My Jorney with and without Alcohol (part 1)

My Journey with Alcohol and  

Without 

BY LIAM MOORE

My Alcohol Journey, where do I start? I suppose I should start when the drinking started, well here goes, these are obviously going to be the bits I remember. 

 

I started drinking when I was about 13 years old, having a can of normal strength larger with friends in the park or graveyard this I thought was normal as everyone I knew was doing the same, saving their school dinner money and buying a drink and 10 cigs. This soon became a regular thing even on a school night; the amount of alcohol soon went up to one litre of strong cider. This would get me very drunk but soon the effect would not be as intense so went up again to two litres, then three litres of strong cider. Still I did not see this as a problem as I knew loads of people doing the same thing.  This was despite the fact that I was drinking more than the rest, my friends hadn’t seemed to move passed the one litre bottle.  This in itself should have been a sign of things to come but at that age you don’t look beyond the moment. 

This level of drinking continued until I left school and beyond at this point we had started going into pubs, now looking old enough. By this time I had even started drinking by myself I would often help myself to the whiskey at my grandparents, where I spent a lot of time. I still did not see this as a problem, after all as I always got up for work or college and never felt hung over. I was just young and enjoying myself and  by this time I was drinking every night going to the pub after work having between 6 and 8 pints and I couple of whiskey’s as night caps when I got home. On a weekend I would drink myself into oblivion. 

Like I say not a problem just having fun right? By the time I was nineteen I was working as assistant manager of a local Pub! Perfect job! So now not only did I drink on a night and on my days off, I could drink when I was at work, life was perfect. The amount of alcohol I could drink at this age was outrageous not that I thought so at that moment in time. I must admit nobody knew how much I was actually drinking as I drank before I went out and after. Still this was not a problem. I was just a young lad enjoying myself and I could handle my beer, unlike some of my friends who much to my amusements managed to get drunk so much quicker than I. Of course I didn’t appreciate this was because my tolerance level was sky high.

At 21 years old I had a girlfriend and soon my first son came along. I would like to say my drinking calmed down at this point, I was a father after all, but it didn’t. My job had changed as I has lost my job in the Pub due to my drunken behaviour. I had a full time job car valeting or working on building sites. As I have said, despite the arrival of a child my drinking continued, I would go to the pub after work or consume a few cans and half bottle of whiskey at home.  It would be more on a weekend when I would easily down 10 pints at the plus a bottle of whiskey or vodka on a Friday and Saturday.  Sunday maybe not as much but not far off.  Looking back I started to get withdrawals when I had gone without a drink for several hours such as being at work. I would sweat profusely, feel dizzy and have slight shakes. I did not relate any of these symptoms to alcohol or the amount of alcohol I was drinking. Although I didn’t know it I was suffering from black outs and had been since my teens.  I would later deny having these when asked by my GP as I simply didn’t know what they were or that they were alcohol related.

And so my drinking continued to escalate.  I lost several jobs but at the time I wasn’t too concerned, this just freed up my time allowing me to devote it to drinking.  I always seemed to get another anyway.  My behaviour was getting worse.  I was fighting in the pubs for no particular reason other than I thought I could take the world on. Arguing constantly with my girlfriend, actually causing fights so I had an excuse to leave and go to pub. Close family where now telling me that I had a drink problem at this point which I said was nonsense.  I had a house, a job (just) and money in the bank. How many alcoholics do you know that have this? Of course they were in my eyes talking nonsense.

As I continued to drink more and life got more chaotic.  I lost my driving license but not before I wrote off three cars and a wall and nearly myself.  This resulted in loss of my job and meant that I could work in the field I had done for the last seven years.  AT this point depression set in and I started drinking on a morning and continued until I passed out.

Strangely enough something made me get up and get myself a job and attempt to sort myself out which I did for a short time.  I managed to get work in a warehouse. I liked this job but continue to drink. 

The withdrawals where gradually getting worse and I started having a drink before work. I usually did this on a Monday feeling dreadful having hitting it hard at weekend.   Eventually I lost this job as my problem with alcohol was evident to everyone and only a secret from me.  As for my personal life, it was awful, the alcohol made me one complete selfish arsehole not that I saw this either as I was too drunk to notice much. Not having a job made meant I could drink when I liked and although I had two sons by now, I continue drinking heavily for another couple of years.   The police was a big part of my life at this point, I was getting arrested regularly for breach of piece (drunk and disorderly) and being verbally aggressive to my partner.  I recall being arrested four times in one week. I was on first name terms with the police.

Eventually things were so bad at home one day I simply decided that I had had enough of living like this….but I wasn’t referring to the alcohol, no of course not that I meant living with my partner and I decided to sign my name off the rent and packed a bin liner and left my two boys, which I might had ripped my heart out.  My feeling for my girlfriend had gone a long time ago. So here I was, 28 years old and sofa surfing at friends, who also drank a lot, with my worldly possessions in a bin liner. Obviously my ex would not let me see my boys because of my alcohol problem, which made me drink even more and made me angry and hit the self-destruct button even harder. Looking back I don’t blame her for not letting me see them, who could blame her I wasn’t exactly a role model.  I could not look after myself let alone two young boys. Like I said, the self-destruct was in full swing and I was drinking at least 9 litres of cider a day and if I had money it would be a bottle of spirits plus cider and anything I could get my hands on. 

Now the withdrawals where intense, I woke up every morning sweating, shaking, wrenching and even urinating blood. After about six months even my friends had had had enough of me so I eventually asked my grandma if I could stay there which I was not keen on as I would not be able to drink as much. I still was sneaking drink. I would say a was going to see friends or going for a long walk to clear my head so I could think, all lies I would go to the shop get a bottle of cider and a half bottle of whiskey and go sit in a park or Kristal abbey and drink alone purely to stop the shakes. This was a very low point in my life, I had nothing 

Eventually my mum and grandma insisted that I went to the doctors I was not sure I knew something was not right but still was in denial just thought I was drinking because of losing my boys and not having a job or anywhere of my own to live. I did go and blood was taken and the doctor told me to stop drinking and issued me with Anti-buse tablets.  There was no medicated detox.  The next 3 days where pure hell.  I now know that I was actually put in a very dangerous positions as this instant stopping of alcohol could have been fatal. I was sweating and shaking uncontrollably, I had chest pains and hallucinations, I thought I was dying. Three days passed and I started to feel better but would say took 7 days before I started to feel anything like normal. I stopped drinking for six months went to my doctors and he had my latest results. Everything back to normal you can have an occasional drink, those where the words of a professional doctor. To an addict that is the equivalent of giving someone a winning lottery ticket.

So I had got my old job back, I had my own flat things and things where looking good for a couple of weeks.  I was even seeing my boys again.  The words of my GP were not forgotten and as a reward for a hard day’s work I started having just a can or two of larger on a Friday night, after all he said this would be fine.   One Friday I had four cans and felt full of confidence and decide to go out.  I did and drank a lot more.  Soon my intake went up during the week from a couple to four and from four to eight, very quickly.   And then my birthday came.  It’s all a bit of haze after that and you probably know the story anyway.  I lost my job as I didn’t turn up… for the next week.  It wasn’t long before my Ex found out and once again I couldn’t see the boys. It took about one month for things to turn chaotic again and I was right back to square one.

By this point I had attracted and was attracted to people like me, those addicted to some substance or other.  I actually did not feel as though I was doing anything wrong around them.  After all those around me where either the same or worse.  Some took drugs and when they were doing their drug of choice I insanely thought in my drunken state, fuck it why not I have nothing to lose. SO I started taking drugs too.  Not only did I need a drink as soon as my eyes opened, I needed a line of cocaine, Mcat, of amphetamine basically anything that would lift me up. The only drug I did not have is heroin which I am very grateful. This went on for 2 to 3 years and I would say out of that I only enjoyed it for 2 month, the rest of the time it was like medicine to make me feel normal and just so I could function. I hated drinking and taking drugs. I was not living, just existing and I had had enough. I even started shoplifting to ensure I had my fix of alcohol and running round for drug dealers for some cash or alcohol or drugs.  I tried taking my own life on two occasions, I could not even do this right that’s how much of a loser I was. These were my thoughts at the time.

I tried home detox's at least 4 times and all of these failed to keep me sober.  Another visit to my GP and I was told that I had one year to live if I continued drinking.  This was my Rock Bottom.  I recall going straight to my grandma a lady who had stuck by me through everything, and saying I need help.  That was the first time I asked for support and properly acknowledged I had a seriously problem.

And this is where my road to recovery started…….

Stess linked to Addiction

STRESS CAN LEAD TO ADDICTION

When I was in a private rehab in Worcestershire, John the owner said something to me that made me think. He asked me what i thought my illness was i said obviously Alcoholism since i was in here for Alcohol dependency. His answer is what made me think he said "no it is stress, alcohol is a symptom of your illness" meaning when i was stressed i used alcohol to get rid of the feeling and in doing so was training my brain and body in that every time i felt any for of stress it knew alcohol would take it away. Like anything do this time and time again for a number of years this becomes normal. Until it then takes over. Take a look at the table below and see if you get any of this.

  

A bit about Ibogaine

IBOGAINE

Thought i would share a bit about this Treatment that seems to be kicking addictions arse. Especially Heroin. This seems more effective than methadone. 

Strength and the duration of the REM sleeping developed by Ibogaine is sufficient to fix the fluctuations within the mindis neurotransmitter systems. Following the heroin addictis mind is worn off by the Ibogaine may create its way to obtain Dopamine again, so there's no discomfort from withdrawal. The drug addict it has corrected the expectancy of raised Endorphin levels and has the capacity to effectively metabolize Endorphin, so there's no yearning. You will see instances of really serious habits which are not totally corrected having a solitary Ibogaine therapy, where brain tissues that use Dopamine have died down or tissues that use Endorphin are changed. That recovery in the cellular-level has started but will need additional time for that body to repair. Fresh head tissues are grown by the mind throughout the Ibogaine knowledge and certainly will again upon re-therapy, however the bodily recovery includes a large head-start and certainly will proceed every evening so long as there's no further addictive drug-use. There's also several instances where the actual habit continues to be fixed with Ibogaine but, as a result of lengthy amount of decades to be a fan, a psychological fitness toward habit might proceed. This fitness as well as the insufficient recovery is just why "purifying" substance dependency remedies, types that simply get an addict after dark toughest section of withdrawal, frequently neglect to crack habit. This issue is approached by ibogaine and not simply the actual habit. Prefer to support overcome a childhood injury, ibogaine may be used within the exercise of psychological guidance. Additionally, it may assist before habit got around the character or individual identification that existed is recovered by an individual. An Ibogaine individual doesn't hallucinate just like common psychedelic drugs like LSD. Once the eyes are available there might be only a little visible distortion or viewing of colored lighting that's not therein a dark-room. Using the eyes shut the knowledge occurs which is mainly pictures the individual has really observed, natural visible information from a whole lifetime that may currently be utilized, which quickly come and therefore are changed by more. The pictures might be believed-provoking styles required for reconciliation of character and your brain or perhaps a overview of previous choices and sometimes even upheaval which are comfortably noticed, as though from the secure range or by having an educated viewpoint. Nowadays several Ibogaine solutions occur in two stages, the very first therapy to recuperate actually in the habit and again per week later, following the individual has already established time for you to discover and think about how sobriety seems and what poor emotions stay, possess a minute therapy to deal with the mental issues. In this manner Ibogaine could be a potent help to guidance.

Just a taster

I shall start when I was 13 years old and started drinking.  I would save my dinner money for school meals and meet up with mates on a night and buy alcohol.  It started with 1 or 2 cans of normal strength larger but soon progressed to a litre of cider, then 2 litres and then 3 litres.  This would happen at least 3 to 4 times a week usually in the Local Park or graveyard!  Looking back even then I drank more than my mates.

This pattern carried on until a left school and then I started to work, in pubs!  So my drinking became what is termed ‘normal’ drinking, a few after work and more on a weekend.  When I worked on a weekend and had days off during the week instead I would treat these as a weekend and drink more, it seemed acceptable.  Basically I was drinking every night.

Then at 21 years old my then girlfriend had our first son so going out calmed down a lot. I continued to hold down a job but I was still drinking most nights, mainly whiskey and lemon.  It started at a quarter bottle which quickly increased to half a bottle and this was just week nights.  On a weekend it was a cocktail of larger & cider, washed down with more whiskey.  As I say, I managed to hold down a job (a functioning alcoholic).  I would spend my days at work thinking

constantly about my first drink, knowing it would make me feel better.

By the age of 27 my second son had come along to the same partner and my tolerance to alcohol was sky high!  I started getting into trouble with the police; I was banned from driving, fighting, lots of domestics, all down to the demon drink.  My relationship which had been at breaking point for some time finally crumbled, and I moved out, sleeping on my mates sofas and drinking even more.  I started missing work and eventually lost my job.

By this time there was blood appearing in my urine and I was spewing blood too.  I really was at rock bottom and took myself to my doctor’s.  He put me on Antibuse straightaway.  This was without a detox, which I now know to be very dangerous!  That said I did stop drinking for 5 months and things started to improve and I got back with my ex and was seeing my boys again.  I even got my old job back.  However the relationship didn’t last long once again and I moved into a flat.   I started to have a can of larger after work which increased to two, then 4, then 6 and 8…… and so on.  I lost my job again and was right back where I was before, if not worse.  This time I got involved with the wrong group of lads and it was drink and drugs this time.  This led to a lot of trouble with the police and I started shoplifting, selling drugs to fund my alcohol.  Drugs at this time were not the real problem I simple took them because I was drinking.  They seemed to come hand in hand.

Things went from bad to worse, I was totally out of control and if I was conscious I was drinking. It got so bad that I tried ending my life with pills.  It was at this point that I went back to my GP who referred me to Leeds Addiction Unit and I completed a home detox and didn’t drink for 5/6 weeks but it wasn’t long before I was back to square one. And so it was back to the LAU and I ask them to refer me to a rehabilitation centre.  I was lucky to get accepted and did a 10 days detox followed by a three month rehabilitation.  I seemed to do well and I felt like a new man.  I had a voluntary job and a new girlfriend that I had meet in rehab.  I know what you’re think “oh no, bad move”.  You are wrong.   Okay we did lapse after a month and things were absolute mayhem.  We both realised that we needed to do something about it quickly and even in our drunkenness we knew this so strongly that we started surfing the net and found a name and number of someone we hoped could help. That someone was a guy like me now, called Chris and he got us referred to a private rehab the very next day.  and his partner, both alcoholics and drug addict..  They taught us so much in the month we were there.  In fact we learnt more in the first 3 days there then either of us had in the 3 months that we had been in rehab.

I am now well over 2 years sober I got my old job back and started doing voluntary helping out at the government run rehab and pass on all I have learned sadly government run rehabs do not have a good success rate as you do get what you pay for and the government don't really understand addiction so the funding is not there which I believe is wrong.

Now I have the experience and contacts for the top 20 rehabilitation clinics I want to help anyone I can to get the treatment I got through contacting some like myself and help addicts get the healthy future they deserve.

So don't hesitate to contact me I am always here to help.